... - 2005-01-23
. - 2005-01-23
=( - 2004-05-17
ip - 2004-04-16
berlin - 2004-03-14
2003-02-12 @ 20:13
I wish I was dead. I had to go to this mexican resturant with my dad today. To a place calle "Meksicana". And I had to eat all this fat food. I could feel how all the fat did locate on my hips and tummy. Yack, I'm fat and now I'm going to be even fatter! I can't belive this. I tried to talk to my father and tell him that I wasn't hungry, but he wouldn't listen. He just said this was some of my stupid device. He drag me into the mall and did find a table for us, and he orded. I wanted to yell and scream but I couldn't, I want to behave when I'm at a resturant. I don't want them to think that I am a madcap. So I did eat all this disgusting food. When I came home I did swallov 17 laxes. I'm gonna be so sick tomorrow, and I guess I have to stay home from school. I worry about it because what will my mum say? Maybe she wants me to take this stool specimen after all... I hope not.
I saw my psychiatrist today, and I feel awfull. I compromise myself too much. I told her about how I make plans for my day, that if I don't do everything like I decided the day before I just wanna kill myself. I also told her that I want everything that makes me to me disappear. That everything I think and feel is forbidden and that my dream is to be nothing, to fade away. I can't belive I did that!! I have never told anyone something like that before. How could I do it??? I regret so badly right now. I hope she forget this conversation...
before - after
© Nemi 2002/2003
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Today I feel:
I wanna have control
I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
So fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
~Creep - Radiohead~
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